Paralyzed
by gobalbucs
Summary: Just like that, he let him slip away from his grasp, but it wasn't his fault. He was paralyzed. Songfic.


**A/N: Hello everyone! This is my first ever Harry Potter fic so I hope it turned out alright!**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY AFFILIATED CHARACTERS/SCENES/WORDS/ETC. THEY BELONG TO J.K. ROWLING- I ONLY OWN THE ONES THAT I HAVE MADE UP!**

**Song: _Paralyzed_ by Big Time Rush**

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Paralyzed

Sitting back against the seat on the shiny, ruby red steam engine, Remus stared out at the masses that filled the large platform. With everyone clustered so close together, it looked as though they were all one massive moving entity.

Sighing in exhaustion from his two hour drive from his home in Bristol to King's Cross Station, the werewolf adverted his gaze to just beyond what seemed to be a sea of red hair. Just out behind it, taped to a column, was a Wanted ad. It consisted of the typical- mug-shot of the decrepit escapee, description of said escapee, and the reward information. What seemed to be just a normal, everyday Wanted post.

Except that it wasn't normal.

The mug-shot was of a homicidal madman who, just days before, had escaped the notorious wizard prison, Azkaban, from which no one had ever succeeded in escaping, and eluding the even more infamous guards of the Hellhole, the Dementors.

Yet, Remus would be lying if he said that he was surprised. True, he had never expected his once-best friend would ever escape his life sentence there, but he just was not all that surprised. After all, this was _Sirius Orion Black_ we're talking about. The gorgeous boy who could once charm his way out of any detention, no matter how severe his actions beforehand had been, the dashing hooligan who could make even the mightiest of enemies back down slightly in uncertainty, the bright, caring, boisterous young man who once had it all- friends who loved him like the family he might as well of never had, a healthy growing godson, and a bright future ahead of him.

_Yet he threw it all away…_

Shuffling slightly further down in his seat, Remus prepared to get as comfortable as possible, for he wished to sleep the train ride away, unwilling to bring any more bitter memories to the surface.

Eventually, he had resigned himself to the fact that Sirius had been the traitor to them and the spy for Voldemort but there was always a part of him, to this day, that simply refused to believe it. The proof was there, but then so was the denial. It's so much easier to simply wallow in the past where everything was perfect, and forget the present where life held the cruel twist of reality at your throat like a sharpened blade in a madman's determined hand. You bare your jugular to it unwillingly on the outside, knowing that one more push was all it took to have that blade slashing through, but you have no control; you never know just what _will_ push. You can never tell with a madman. You can never tell what in life will be your undoing, your end. What else is there then, what else is there left to do than to just let it progress and to simply slip into the world of dream, where nothing can hurt you?

Sirius was Remus' madman. He was the one who held the bitter reality to his throat, daring him to make another mistake, another false judge of character so he can finally end it for him.

Who would miss him anyway? His friends, the only ones who truly accepted him for what he was were dead. Their own madmen had let the knives slip. Had Sirius been their madman? Or had it been _himself_? Was it him, for allowing this to happen? He knew all along that the traitor had to be him. Who else could it be?

Not himself, obviously. Not James or Lily. Nor Peter, not timid little Peter. He would never have been able to hurt anybody. Now who did that leave?

_Sirius._

He knew it had to be him. At least that was what his rationale told him, and he had spent more than a big deal of life relying on it and it never steered him wrong. However, his heart always told him different. His heart always told him that it couldn't be, could never be.

But it was.

He had realized on that fateful night, that he had let him escape. The best thing that could have ever happened to him and he let him go. Once acceptance of his betrayal began to rear its insistent head, Remus quite often found himself immensely glad that he had never taken action. He was quite content with what they had and even if by some Godsend miracle that Sirius even remotely felt the same, he knew that what he did was imminent, and would have only hurt all the more.

Would things have been that much easier if they had just simply left him alone? If his interaction with the beautiful miscreant was forever limited to longing stares, would the news have dealt a lesser blow? Surely it would have. If only they had never even been friends in the first place and all Remus would have had to deal with would be those longing stares, and without the benefit of his friendship.

He often recalls a certain point in his past where this scenario was in fact, a reality. It is often this point in time that Remus falls back in, wishing with all his heart that that was where the dreams had started, and that once he woke up, all he would know of Sirius Black was his name.

_As soon as Remus Lupin, age 11, was sorted into Gryffindor, he took his place amongst his fellow house mates. He was prepared for seven full years of deceit but hey, that's a small price to pay for this once-in-a-life-time opportunity, and would he be a daft fool to let it slip away. _

_He paid scarce attention to the rest of the sorting, as he saw no point in finding out just how many more people he was going to have to lie to. _

_Halfway through the ceremony, his meal was very nearly interrupted when two boisterous raven haired boys plopped themselves next to him but luckily, he was able to tune them out._

_For his very first week, everything was perfect. He had almost a month until his first full moon at Hogwarts, classes were amazing, (though with reluctance, the same could not be said for History of Magic) and hardly anyone decided to bother with trying to get close to him. _

_Yes, though lonely these next few years would be, he could certainly handle them._

_Until he noticed _him_. _

**You, you walked into the room,**

**on a Friday afternoon. That's when I saw you for the first time,**

**and I was paralyzed.**

_It was one of the hyperactive black haired boys from the sorting. Remus knew his name to be Sirius Black, as he shares all of his classes with him, though he never once spared him a single glance. He knew his other black haired friend, James Potter, and knew that they were simply a pair of complete idiots with a certain knack for mayhem. _

_He never paid him much attention, but with as much noise as the pureblood was making, how could he not? He was about ready to yell at him to pipe down and cease that infernal shouting. (He was yelling obscene things to his friend halfway across the common room for no apparent reason other than to be a complete nuisance.) However, one glance was all it took, and Remus was instantly smitten with the boy._

_Drinking in his stunning appearance, his shoulder length raven locks that fell down gracefully in waves, his fathomless steel blue orbs, lean and slightly muscular figure, handsome face with high, sharply defined cheekbones, and lightly tanned complexion, he pegged his entire characterization as simply breathtaking. _

**I had a million things to say, **

**but none of them came out that day**

'**cause I was never one of those guys that always had the best lines.**

_Remus never gave himself any notion that he swung that way, but he never had to. _

_He knew what this made him, he knew that this would only add to the ever lengthening list of things that made him a social outcast, but while marveling at the pureblood's finely chiseled features, he found he couldn't care less. _

_He watched as James finally made his way over to the pompous delinquent and promptly shut him up with a fierce slap to the back of his head. Falling over rather ungracefully, the git proceeded to laugh his arse off. _

**Time stops ticking, my hands keep shaking,**

**and you don't even know that…**

_Once he had composed himself and shot the entire common room the: "I meant to do that" look, he and James walked past Remus, giving no indication that they knew of his presence. Watching them pass through the portrait hole, the werewolf could only describe his feelings at the moment as, comparable to that of a hopeless school girl pining after her latest crush. _

**I try to speak, but you've got me tongue-tied.**

**I try to breathe but I'm f-f-f-frozen inside.**

**I try to move but I'm stuck in my shoes.**

**You got me paralyzed, paralyzed, p-p-p-paralyzed.**

_He was definitely attracted to him and he was quite sure that he liked him a lot. He knew about his reputation for trouble, but sometimes the heart doesn't always see eye-to-eye with the brain. _

_Whenever he passed by Sirius Black, or when Sirius Black passed by Remus, the young werewolf would become even more withdrawn than usual. Every time he tried to walk up to him, his feet always seemed to freeze to the very spot he stood. Every time he tried to speak to the steel eyed wonder, his tongue somehow always ended up wound into tight knots. Every time he looked at him, time seemed to stop, and nothing else mattered but the way he would scrunch his face adorably in rare concentration or how his gorgeous lips danced flawlessly as he spoke in his velveteen voice, weaving lyrical magic as he smoothed talked his way out of every detention. _

_Every time he tried to approach the young lad, he seemed to be rooted to his place, legs and mouth, paralyzed._

**I see you walking, but all you do is pass me by.**

**Can't even talk 'cause words don't come into my mind.**

**I'd make a move if I had the guts to,**

**but I'm paralyzed, paralyzed, p-p-p-paralyzed.**

_In a way, Remus was perfectly happy with his situation, because for the very first time ever since he had been bitten, he was not afraid of getting close to him because of his monthly problem. The possibility of Sirius Black hating him because of the dark creature he was had not occurred to him. No, he was afraid that Sirius Black would hate him because he was gay, or at the very least, would be unable to return his feelings. He was more concerned about having the guts to ask him out, not about Sirius finding out his dark secret. _

_He was afraid of the unrequited love. He was frightened of a simple rejection, yet he was perfectly fine with it staying that way because it made him feel more human, and for once, nothing like the monster that society claimed he was._

_For once, he could feel like a normal school boy, endlessly chasing his unattainable desire._

As fate would have had in the end, midway through first year, some Slytherin ended up on the wrong side of him just two days before the full moon and Remus was feeling pissy. He ended up hexing the boy through a window and down two stories, breaking his left leg, right in front of Sirius Black and his friends, James, and Peter Pettigrew, who had been recently added to their team a couple weeks before.

Sirius had walked right up to him and immediately began chatting him up and introducing him to his friends, though Remus already knew them, thanks to a shared dormitory. Despite the fact that they shared a room, the werewolf was always in and out bed either really late or really early. This was to avoid any confrontation with them but mostly with Sirius.

Throughout their years together, they were excellent friends and they only further strengthened that point when they found out about his condition. Instead of shunning him, as was the expected result, he was accepted and they even went so far as to become animagi to be with him during the full moons.

Remus couldn't have been happier, and his meager crush on Sirius gradually blossomed into something larger, yet he still said nothing. He was content with his place in the pureblood's heart and had no desire to jeopardize what they had by coming out to him.

Lovers of both genders came and went, but none of them could have ever amounted to anything that Sirius was to the werewolf.

But then of course, the traitor turned his back on them all.

_And yet…_

**Now, I learned a lot from my mistake: Never let a good thing slip away.**

**I've had a lot of time to look back, and my only regret is**

**not telling you what I was going through.**

**You didn't even know that…**

One thing his heart never ceased to throw at him: If only you had been more to him.

The one and only thing that Remus regretted, even when his rationale battered around the old excuse that being nothing more than just a friend was a cushion for this betrayal, was the exact opposite of what his brain was always telling him.

If Remus could've only confided in his friend with what he was feeling. Sirius had accepted him being a werewolf, so why would being gay be any different? Why would it be any more wrong?

And who knows? Maybe Remus would have gotten lucky. If in the very least, he could have been there more for his friend. If he had been, maybe this whole ugly mess could have been prevented.

**I try to speak, but you've got me tongue-tied.**

**I try to breathe but I'm f-f-f-frozen inside.**

**I try to move but I'm stuck in my shoes.**

**You got me paralyzed, paralyzed, p-p-p-paralyzed.**

**I see you walking, but all you do is pass me by.**

**Can't even talk 'cause words don't come into my mind.**

**I'd make a move if I had the guts to,**

**but I'm paralyzed, paralyzed, p-p-p-paralyzed.**

But he wasn't, and just like that, he let the best friend he had ever had the pleasure of knowing slip away from his grasp.

**As the years go by, I think about you all the time.**

**If I get the chance, I hope I won't be paralyzed,**

**paralyzed by you.**

Night and day, all the time, Remus thought about Sirius and every time he did, he was pelted with the "what ifs," but there were no "what ifs" about it. Sirius Black betrayed them and that was that. However, he would always regret never having the chance to be something more to the beautiful pureblood.

Though no matter what, if Remus ever got the chance to see Sirius again, there would be no holding back. No more beating around the bush with longing stares and lingering touches. Once he got done pummeling him for what he did to Lily and James, to Peter, to Harry, and to him, he would tell Sirius exactly how he felt about him.

**You walked into the room, on a Friday afternoon…**

He would take the plunge, and hope that he would not let the convict paralyze him just as he had for so long, so many years ago.

**I try to speak, but you've got me tongue-tied.**

**I try to breathe but I'm f-f-f-frozen inside.**

**I try to move but I'm stuck in my shoes.**

**You got me paralyzed, paralyzed, p-p-p-paralyzed.**

**I see you walking, but all you do is pass me by.**

**Can't even talk 'cause words don't come into my mind.**

**I'd make a move if I had the guts to,**

**but I'm paralyzed, paralyzed, p-p-p-paralyzed.**

**(You got me paralyzed.)**

The whistle sounded and the scarlet engine began to pull away from the station. Finally drifting off into a deep slumber, Remus fell back into the past, into a place where Sirius would never have betrayed him or any of his friends…

**Paralyzed, paralyzed.**

**(You got me tongue-tied.)**

And maybe into a place where he and Sirius did share something more than just friendship. Perhaps instead, a deep, passionate, undying…

**Paralyzed, paralyzed.**

**(Now I'm frozen inside.)**

**Paralyzed, paralyzed.**

_Love._

**You got me paralyzed, paralyzed, **

**p-p-p-paralyzed.**

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**A/N****: A bit angsty and normally I don't like to read to much of it but I LOVE writing it! XP**

**This may or may not have a sequel to it- we will just have to see. :P**

**At one point, this actually ended up getting split into two one shots because I had completely strayed away from the original plot, but I managed it all back together in one. :D So I apologize for any content confusion. XO**

**Reviews please! :D**


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